Today, as always, we did some warm-up exercises and suburi,
and then we started kihon keiko with the command, “Put on your men (men wo tsuke-!)!”
Today’s practice focused on “men striking.”
First, we practiced big men, then small men.
After that we practiced a few more kinds of men striking, we had about 20 minutes left…now here it comes…
The last practice menu item is…the one I’m currently the least good at.

I don’t like this practice…
To explain what kind of practice it is:
The motodachi places his/her kensen in the center and keep holding their kamae.
The kakarite takes the center with strong seme, breaks motodachi’s kamae while attacking straight down the center line, and sharply striking men.
I’m really scared of this practice…
Because since motodachi‘s shinai is on the center line, if I charge towards it,
“Guh!” I feel like their shinai is going to stab me…
Well…if I feel that way, that shows that I don’t have the slightest bit of confidence in my own attack.
Because if I imagine motodachi’s shinai stabbing me, that means I have the image in my mind that I’ll never be able to win the center from the start.
With that as a premise, naturally, I’m skeptical when I try to attack and in the end, I can’t break motodachi’s kamae.
As a result, it’s as if I’m moving forward in order to be stabbed by the shinai, like I’m turning myself yakitori (yakineko?).

Guhhhh!
I don’t wanna be yakineko-!!
However, I do feel a “Guuuuuuh!” sensation, when I think about it carefully, I realize that I never actually got hurt by shinai before,
nor did I have the experience my opponent’s shinai was stabbing my throat.
So why am I so scared of this practice, along with the image voice “Guuuuuuh!”?
I see, I think I’m just scared of my own delusions.
Yes, it’s 100% mental.

Yeah, Just thinking about
it scares me
Today, it didn’t go well at all again…
*sigh*
No matter how hard I tried to shake off my fear and take the center with my body,
because I was afraid of motodachi’s kensen,
my head would completely move backward, like a prima donna in ballet, and I couldn’t complete men striking at all.

something like this?

No, no.
This is how you do it!
Well, honestly…
This kind of thing happens all the time in my real life, too.
Worrying about things too much that haven’t happened but imagine only the worst case.
In the end, I can’t do anything and can’t move forward at all.
Or
I’m afraid of having conflict with others, so I sneak away from those situations.
I feel so pathetic, lol.
“I don’t want to be like that!”
“I don’t want to be like that!”
“I don’t want to be this weak!”
Hmm… I have to do something!
But what exactly is the “first step” to overcoming my fear?
I thought about it.

Hmm, hmm…
After racking my brains, I found an answer:
For the first step, I need to “figure out what I’m afraid of.”
So, what’s the “second step” to overcoming it?
I thought about this again.

Hmm, hmm, hmm…
I think I need to “think specifically what I need to do to overcome my fear”.
It will probably take a while before I can put those specific solutions into action and overcome my fears. It’s like “reforming my personality,” so to speak.
But unless I can do this, my kendo won’t improve, and I know I won’t become any closer to becoming a stronger-minded person in my everyday life, so I have no choice but to keep trying.
Yes, I’ll do my best again.
I’ll go to practice again tomorrow♪