I’m on a journey to find my voice

When did it start?

I wonder when I first began thinking about kisei…

When I think about it, kisei is actually one of the important requirements for a Yuko-Datotsu-valid strike in Kendo*, yet when I asked myself, “What exactly is kisei?” I couldn’t immediately come up with an answer.

Instead, several questions started popping into my head.

What is the difference between kisei and kiai?

Why is kisei written with the character “勢” (energy/force), rather than “声” (voice)?

I often say and hear the word kiai, but what does kiai actually mean in the first place?

And so on…

After thinking about all these things from different angles, I came to this conclusion.

I wonder if kisei 気勢 is something that can be recognized by others as an outward expression.

And perhaps kisei 気勢 is the way a person’s inner kiai 気合 is expressed through their kisei 気声(voice) and through their posture and attitude?

And maybe kiai 気合 itself is something deeply connected to the mental side of a person — something invisible that exists inside them, like a fiercely burning fighting spirit, or a personal commitment held deep within oneself: “I will never give up until the very end!”

So, which means….kiai 気合 isn’t actually about the voice?

Until now, I honestly thought that “kiai 気合= kisei 気声(voice).”

But now I realize that my understanding was wrong…

Based on this personal theory of mine, I decided to think once again about “jūjitsu shita kisei” (a full and strong 気勢-energy/force), which is one of the requirements for a valid strike.

If kisei 気勢 is the expression of the kiai 気合that exists inside me, then first of all, I need to firmly establish that kiai 気合 within my own heart. Am I right?

And then, expressing that version of myself whose fighting spirit is burning intensely inside — showing it with my whole body — must be what leads to jūjitsu shita kisei. Am I right?

I see, I see…

So the goal is to let the burning spirit inside me come out naturally from my body…

Somehow, that idea started to make sense to me.

However!

At that very moment, an enormous question came rushing toward me like a giant wave.

Splash!

To express jūjitsu shita kisei, I believe I can use things such as my voice, posture, and attitude.

Among these, when it comes to posture and attitude, even though I may or may not be able to actually do them well, I can somehow imagine what they should look like.

However…

Wait a minute.

What about my voice?

Which voice am I supposed to use?

That was my biggest question this time.

Some of you might be thinking, “What do you mean?”

When I really thought about it carefully, my relationship with my “voice” was much more complicated than I had imagined.

I was born in Japan as a female baby cat, grew up there, and eventually became an adult cat.

During that process, I received countless “lessons” like these:

“Girls should behave like girls — quietly and gracefully…”

“Don’t shout so loudly! That’s not ladylike!”

“It’s better to avoid conflicts with people and behave skillfully without creating waves…”

“To leave a good impression on customers, always remember to smile brightly and speak kindly…”

If I started listing them all, it would never end. Of course, nobody actually told me, “Walk three steps behind men,” but still…

Anyway, because of all this…

I seem to have unconsciously developed the ability to change the way I use my voice depending on the situation.

For example…

The moment I pick up the phone at work.

“Hello? This is Haru from the XX department of XX company. How may I help you?♡”

That’s me.

When I return to my parents’ house:

“Mom! I’m home! I’m hungry! Is there anything to eat?”

That’s also me — saying it without even trying to sound cute.

When I’m on a date with a boyfriend I’ve only recently started seeing…

Even though I could definitely still eat more,

“I’m already soooo full♪”

That’s me casually telling a little lie.

And when my boss—who barely does any work himself—is giving me one of his long, nagging lectures…

Inside my mind: （Bald… bald… bald…）

That’s also me.

All of these are the same person: me.

And yet, without even realizing it, I was using completely different “voices” in each situation.

Doesn’t everyone experience something like this?

What was actually happening here?…

When I thought carefully about this phenomenon, I realized something.

Apparently, when I talk to people whose opinions of me matter to me (such as customers or someone I’m dating), I tend to speak with a slightly higher-pitched voice.

On the other hand, when I’m talking to people whose evaluation of me doesn’t really matter — in other words, my family — I use a lower-toned voice. Oh, and when I was silently chanting “bald, bald…” in my head, I also used a low voice, because I knew my boss couldn’t hear it.

Maybe, through the environment I was born and raised in, the image of “a higher-pitched voice = a gentle, obedient, feminine voice” was unconsciously imprinted into my brain?

Perhaps, little by little, I developed the feeling that:

“With this kind of voice, I can communicate with people smoothly without causing any trouble.”

Now, let me return to the original topic.

In order to express jūjitsu shita kisei, I need to show the version of myself whose fighting spirit is burning intensely inside, right?

But the question is…

Can someone like me, who has spent decades growing up with the belief that “girls shouldn’t raise their voices because it’s not ladylike,” really express that burning fighting spirit in front of other people?

The reason I ask this is because I had already noticed one thing.

The lower-toned voice I use when I talk with my family might actually be the voice that is closest to my true self.

And the slightly higher voice I use in front of other people might be another version of myself — a voice I developed because I wanted people to think well of me.

In other words, there were two huge walls standing in front of me as I tried to develop jūjitsu shita kisei.

The first wall: Using a lower-toned voice in front of other people.

The second wall: Raising my voice loudly in front of other people.

But I am a curious Kendo Cat.

“Maybe I’ll just try and see what it feels like♡”

With that thought, before everyone arrived at the dojo, I secretly tried it by myself.

And then, immediately…

Gaaaah!

This is SO embarrassing!!

What is this?!

These feelings suddenly came pouring out.

I felt as if I had suddenly transformed into an Ojisan -an old man-, and I desperately wanted to erase that version of myself as quickly as possible. （Sorry to all the men out there. I don’t mean that as a criticism of ojisans.）

“Jūjitsu shita kisei”…

You are quite a difficult opponent…

Th-this is (also) tougher than I expected…

I realized that I couldn’t achieve it without facing my own values from the past and finding my own answer.

On top of my “ki-ken-tai icchi neurosis,” I might even develop “jūjitsu shita kisei neurosis” too.

But now, about two years have passed since I started thinking about these things, and I feel that I have gradually become able to produce kisei with a voice that is closer to my true self than before.

At the very least, I no longer feel any resistance at all about raising my voice loudly in front of other people.

Actually, it feels good.

That said, I still haven’t found the voice that makes me think:

“This is my voice. This is my true kisei.”

I still haven’t found it.

I want to continue facing my own mind and body, and search for the reason why I haven’t met that voice yet.

I want to keep searching for the answer.

My “journey to find my voice” is still continuing.

And with that said…

I’m off to practice again tomorrow♪

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